“I feel like I’m giving too much of myself. What do I do when someone wants more from me than I can give? How do I set boundaries with people who ask for too much from me at work?”
As a recovering people pleaser, these questions are ones I’ve brought to my therapist and coaches more than almost anything else.
I love helping people (I’m a coach, after all!), but I’ve often struggled to figure out where to draw the line when people ask for more than I can realistically offer. It also triggers me when I do set clear boundaries and they get crossed.
While I still slip up and overextend myself from time to time, I’m now much better at maintaining healthy boundaries and avoiding feelings of resentment. (Thanks to lots of my own therapy and coaching!)
As a result of better establishing and communicating my boundaries, I’m able to live a life that is more in line with my values, which include authenticity and honesty.
What Happens When You Give Too Much Of Yourself?
In our fast-paced, always-on world, it’s easy to fall into the trap of giving too much of yourself, especially in the workplace. But what happens when you give more than you’re able or willing to?
For starters, giving too much of yourself can quickly lead to burnout and exhaustion. This can take a serious toll on both your work and your relationships.
Plus, when you’re overly generous once, people often come back for more, creating a never-ending cycle of demands. This not only drains your energy but also sets you up to be taken advantage of and harbor resentment.
Moreover, constantly putting others first can cause you to lose sight of who you really are. Learning to set boundaries that reflect your priorities and values allows you to focus on what matters most to you, instead of always catering to everyone else.
It takes time and practice, but learning not to give too much of yourself is possible (and, in my opinion, essential for maintaining a healthy balance in life!). By setting clear boundaries and making self-care a priority, you can build stronger relationships and feel more like your true self.
7 Ways To Set Boundaries At Work And Stop Giving Too Much Of Yourself
So, here are 7 strategies that have helped me when I’m asked for more than I can give at work. My hope is that you can use a few of these tools the next time you’re facing an overwhelming request, dealing with a boundary-buster, or just feel like you’re pouring too much of yourself into your job.
1. Establish clear boundaries.
To begin, it’s been super helpful for me to set some clear ground rules for how I want to operate in my career and life.
For example, as a career coach, I receive countless requests for free advice. While I’d love to give personalized tips to every single person who reaches out, it’s just not doable if I want to stay sane.
Along the same lines, I only work with a handful of coaching clients at a time, and I often send leads to other coaches when they’re not quite in my wheelhouse. I’ve learned that I do my best work and can serve clients best when I only work with a few, truly aligned clients.
If someone doesn’t respect this, it means they’re not the right fit for my coaching practice, plain and simple.
To avoid any surprises, you can lay out your boundaries up front. For instance, one of the executives I coach deeply values family time and wants to tuck his kids into bed every night without work interruptions. When interviewing for new jobs, he’d ask about their view on “work-life balance” and explain what that needed to look like for him.
[Read: 19 Memorable Questions To Ask A Hiring Manager During An Interview]
Ask yourself what boundaries you need to set (or reinforce) to protect your time and energy, and then start putting them out there.
2. Deploy the “broken record” technique.
Once I’ve set a boundary, I’ve found it’s crucial to stick to it. Boundaries only work if you consistently communicate and reinforce them.
Yes, a little wiggle room is okay sometimes, but you don’t want to constantly bend your rules. Otherwise, people will keep trying to squeeze more and more out of you.
Sometimes, it’s as easy as, “Perhaps you missed my last message: [copy and paste your last email],” to remind them of your boundary.
In an office setting, you’ll need to think about who you’re talking to and the power dynamics at play, since that will affect whether you can be a true “broken record” or need to soften the message a bit.
[Read: How To Leave Work At Work: 10 Proven Strategies To Relax]
3. Offer an alternative solution.
Let’s be clear: Having boundaries with your time and energy doesn’t mean you’re an a-hole who can’t help anyone.
Instead of leaving people hanging, I often reply to questions with a link to my tech job search blog, Forbes articles, and other free career resources.
I’ve found that the people who really wanted the info will dig into the resources, while the ones who just wanted me to do all the work for them will never be happy anyway.
If you’re constantly getting asked for stuff that’s beyond your bandwidth, brainstorm some alternative solutions that still honor your boundaries. A lot of the leaders I work with like to have a “toolbox“ of options ready to go when colleagues or clients try to ask for too much. This might include things like:
- Adjusting the scope of the request
- Pushing back the deadline
- Delegating or passing it on to someone else
One script you can try is, “While I can’t do ___, I can do X, Y, or Z.”
4. Develop canned responses.
Those folks who are never satisfied, no matter what you say, can seriously drain your energy.
One way to deal with them is to create some canned responses that you can quickly copy and paste. This helps take the emotional labor out of having to write a unique response every single time.
Consider this your sign to develop some canned responses for common boundary-testing requests.
You’ll likely get some pushback now and then, so you’ll also want to have a few canned responses ready for those situations.
I’ve worked with tons of product and engineering leaders, and they’re constantly being asked for more than their teams can deliver. Developing a list of authentic (but firm!) go-to phrases can be a real lifesaver when colleagues keep reaching out.
It might even be helpful to partner with your manager to craft some of these messages if you’re constantly getting requests that go beyond what you or your team can handle.
5. Know when not to respond.
For fellow people-pleasers, I know this can feel challenging, but some people are never going to be happy, no matter what you do. (Trust me, I’ve tried everything!)
In those cases, sometimes you just need to know when to cut off communication. I’ve found that these people will usually move on and drag someone else into their drama once you stop replying to their emails or messages.
Of course, when you’re at work, you often can’t just ignore a colleague or client completely. But you can choose whether you engage with the drama and stress and when you simply focus on the facts.
6. Acknowledge your feelings.
Speaking of which, when you start setting and sticking to new boundaries, it can bring up a lot of unexpected and mixed emotions.
Personally, I often feel proud of myself for putting myself and my well-being first, but also a little nervous about how the other person will react to my boundaries. (Will they judge me? Will they think less of me?)
Take some time to honor and acknowledge all your feelings. However, just because you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean you need to fold. It takes time to acclimate to new boundaries.
At the same time, try to be mindful of how much you show these feelings. While displaying some vulnerability can be powerful, you don’t want to be taken advantage of at work.
7. Find a community.
Creating a support system around you when you’re dealing with these difficult people is important, and you don’t have to go it alone.
Seek out friends, mentors, or other people who can provide you with the emotional support you need to maintain healthy boundaries and navigate these tricky situations with confidence.
When I’m struggling to reinforce my boundaries, I often find it helpful to run my responses by a friend, mentor, or even ChatGPT to get a fresh pair of eyes and make sure my message is coming across the way I intend.
Setting boundaries is a delicate dance of protecting your mental well-being while also being respectful and kind to the other person (and directness is definitely a form of kindness!).
You might also want to work with a therapist or executive coach to help you define your boundaries and communicate them effectively.
Final Thoughts
Keep in mind that setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re being unkind or unhelpful. It’s about honoring your own time, energy, and well-being so that you can show up as your best self for the people you choose to help. You’ve got this!
