“How do I handle a difficult coworker? I just can’t stand them, yet I need to learn to work with them to be successful in my role.” A client recently brought this challenge to a coaching session, visibly and understandably frustrated by a colleague who was making their shared workplace feel intolerable.
While I’ve covered related topics, like addressing a sabotaging boss or a homophobic coworker, I’ve never written an article addressing this specific, common workplace issue.
Fortunately, I haven’t had too many difficult colleagues over the course of my career (I can easily count them on two hands), but the most challenging ones made work miserable until I learned how to effectively manage the relationships and take care of myself along the way.
Keep reading to learn proven strategies and practical solutions (that actually work!) for dealing with a challenging workplace peer you don’t get along with.
What To Do If You Have A Challenging Colleague
There’s no perfect solution for handling a difficult coworker. That said, here are a few strategies to help you navigate the situation:
1. Focus on yourself.
If you take nothing else from this piece, I want it to be this: focus on yourself. That’s how you stay in control. Empower yourself to shape the situation by asking:
- What’s within your control here?
- What actions can you change?
- How might you adjust your thoughts, feelings, and emotions about the dynamic?
As I constantly remind my clients, you can only change yourself—not anyone else.
2. See it from their point of view.
Practicing empathy can make your colleague much easier to work with. While it doesn’t excuse bad behavior, perhaps they’re having a tough time (personally, when people cut me off on the freeway, I assume they’re in desperate need of a bathroom—it lightens my frustration).
When clients tell me they have a difficult colleague, I’ll often have them retell the story from their colleague’s perspective. This usually sparks a few “a-ha” moments, including recognizing that they don’t truly understand their colleague’s point of view—and noticing that maybe they’re also difficult to work with (and who isn’t from time to time?).
Perception is reality. Your colleague’s perception of you is their truth. Instead of arguing facts, focus on how they perceive you, and what you can do to shift that.
3. Actively listen.
Many workplace conflicts stem from poor communication. Active listening can ease the tension. Of course, there are exceptions if your coworker is being racist, abusive, or spewing another type of hate.
A simple yet powerful active listening framework is OARS:
- Open-ended questions: Invite deeper responses by asking “What…?” and “How…?” questions.
- Affirmations: Acknowledge their emotions and feelings.
- Reflections: Paraphrase what they’ve said to show your understanding.
- Summary: Recap the conversation to confirm your clarity.
This technique demonstrates to your colleague that you’re genuinely listening and also helps you better understand their perspective.
4. Engage in feedback.
You might also consider whether it’s worth engaging in a feedback conversation. One of my favorite frameworks is Start/Stop/Continue:
- What I’d like you to start doing is…
- What I’d like you to stop doing is…
- What I’d like you to continue doing is…
This can be done verbally or in writing, but only if there’s enough psychological safety for a constructive dialogue.
5. Set boundaries.
Many workplace conflicts are rooted in unclear (or entirely unestablished) boundaries.
From workloads, to time, to personal space, there are tons of boundaries that can be set—and violated—in the workplace. While it’s your colleague’s job to respect them, it’s your job to communicate them.
When you’re clashing with your colleague, ask yourself whether it’s a boundary issue. (Hint: I’ve been doing this long enough to know it is more often than not!)
6. Loop in your manager.
If you’ve tried to resolve the issue and it’s interfering with your success, you’ll likely want to involve your manager.
Timing is key. You don’t want to run to your manager without having first attempted to resolve the situation. At the same time, you don’t want to hold off so long that you’ve dug yourself into a hole.
At the end of the day, involving your manager is a delicate balancing act, and the exact timing will depend on your relationship with your manager and your team’s dynamic.
7. Hire an executive coach.
As you climb the career ladder, difficult colleagues are likely to become more common. Executive coaching can be helpful here.
In my work as an executive coach, difficult colleagues are one of the most popular topics that clients bring up.
I regularly remind clients that career success often relies more on your ability to deal with workplace dynamics and less on your technical knowledge alone.
8. Practice self-care.
A toxic workplace peer can take a real toll on your mental health, so it’s important to protect your well-being.
Be sure to take deep breaths when engaging in difficult moments or conversations. Consider counting to three or five before responding (sometimes I do 10 when I’m really irritated!).
Don’t let a colleague get the best of you. Step away when you need to.
[Read: Workplace Trauma: How To Recognize It And Start To Heal]
Is It Normal To Have Difficult Coworkers?
Yes. Challenging colleagues are incredibly common and don’t magically disappear as you climb the ladder. In fact, you’ll have to navigate even more personalities as you grow in your career.
If you work in a role with multiple coworkers, which is true of most jobs, you can expect to have at least one person you struggle to get along with. Focus on what’s in your control: i.e. how you respond.
Should I Approach A Difficult Colleague?
Whether you approach a challenging coworker is ultimately a personal choice. Before speaking with them, ensure that you’ve adequately assessed the situation, calmed yourself, and are prepared to see the situation from their point of view.
Rather than venting to your colleague, come to the conversation with a clear purpose and desired outcome. Also, consider your team’s current dynamics and any potential repercussions (both positive and negative) before taking any action.
Keep in mind that sometimes the best choice is not approaching them at all.
[Read: What Companies Get Wrong About Supporting “Difficult” Executives]
What If I’m The Difficult Coworker?
Recognizing and admitting that you’re potentially the difficult coworker takes a lot of self-awareness. Bravo!
Next, focus on what’s in your control to improve the situation. Gather feedback on what’s not working, identify what you can do differently, and consider investing in a coach to strengthen your communication and collaboration skills.
[Read: When You’re Labeled “Too Much” At Work: 5 Intentional Steps To Take]
Final Thoughts On Challenging Colleagues
If you’re struggling to get along with a coworker, the reality is that you’re unlikely to become workplace besties overnight. However, my hope is that if you try a few of these strategies, you can minimize conflict, protect yourself, and make your interactions more tolerable.
You don’t want to dread going to work. Focus on what’s in your control, which includes your mindset, your boundaries, and your actions. You’ve got this!
